Get the bad stuff OUT

To all who read my blog, I say Thank You. It has been forever since I have posted but I feel like I'm ready to return now. It's been quite the journey for me over the past couple of years and to spare you all the details, I can simply say that I am now completely clean. The sobriety date is February 17, 2012 and I am very happy to say that I am now 5 weeks without a cigarette. I guess I have what they call an "addictive personality". I must have something to quench my need for, well, anything. This has been the struggle of my life. I could have taken the high and mighty road and ended my marriage years ago and continued down the path I was on however I chose the road less traveled. I'm old-fashioned. Some may say to a fault, but I don't believe that's possible. Let me make something perfectly clear. I LOVE MY WIFE. I LOVE MY CHILDREN. My family is all that truly matters to me. Hopefully, if you are reading this you share that sentiment with me. They are why I am battling these demons tooth and nail, day and night. As a bartender I see my friends falling apart and I get to at least be the word of the wise when they need some sober advice. Nothing I do will ever really help anyone. Words are more effective I believe. I've seen courtships begin at the bar and marriages end there as well. I've seen successful people turn unsuccessful and turn to self-medication. I've turned guests away simply because I care. I truly care about people. So when I say I can't do anything that will make a difference I mean I can't do anything but "call you a cab", literally and figuratively. By figuratively I mean I can advise you to let someone else take the wheel. What you do is up to you. In my life I have done it all. That is NOT a good thing. I could tell you about regrets for days maybe weeks. I know the old Marilyn Monroe quote, "Don't regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted", but that's a cop out to me. We have decisions to make every day. Sometimes we get caught up in the moment and yeah, at that exact moment that was what you wanted. Sometimes though that moment was influenced by something or someone by whom had it or they not been around you may have made a different choice. In any case, if you realize later that a choice you made was a bad choice, don't excuse it with that Monroe quote. It doesn't make it right. I encourage those I meet to spend more time with their family and to never fall out of love. Flirting with your spouse doesn't get old. I love flirting with my wife still and we are coming up on our 9 year anniversary. Marriages end when couples stop trying. I intend to never stop courting my wife. Back to the topic at hand, my absence from my blog is mainly due to the struggles I endured during my days of sobering up. I can tell you first hand that it's not easy but I can also confirm wholeheartedly that it IS possible. Though I will always be an addict, I am now free of my addictions. I wish I had taken you all on my journey as I got clean but honestly it was the last thing on my mind. There were nights where my mind was taking over and all I could do was curl up and sleep. Now I am on to my next journey. Getting healthy. I've already taken such a monumentally huge step by ridding my body of the toxic substances I was putting in. Now it's time to lose the weight I gained and get myself back in shape. I'm talking weight-lifting, Yoga, dieting, running, etc. I will include pictures to map my progress no matter how embarrassing they may be to me. I have another blog that I will be duplicating my posts on for my other viewers. I want to be an inspiration to someone. It doesn't have to be everyone. Just one person would make it all worthwhile. Along the way I would LOVE your feedback, advice and whatever else you have to say. Reinforcement will be a valuable tool for me. Tomorrow will be the day I plan out meals and workout plans. I will be giving certain foods up of course and I will be going into yoga as a complete novice. Please join me and tell me how you're doing in your progress as well. If you are getting clean right now and have any questions for me PLEASE ASK. I would love to help you out as well. Get ready friends. The journey begins on MONDAY, OCTOBER 14. I'm looking forward to it.

The greatest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother

My children are the very reason I am making these changes in my life. As I mentioned in a previous post, I wanted to assure myself that my children would always have great things to say about me. One of my biggest fears for my children is that they will be hurt. There's nothing I can do to ensure that they will never be hurt. There will be people they befriend in their lives that will ultimately hurt them. Any parent should know this. Boyfriends, girlfriends, even best friends. Family may hurt them. Bosses and coworkers. The list is infinite. My goal is to try to set an example for them. Surely, my children will remember when I was a worthless drunk. I didn't give them the attention they needed and I realized that. It is not too late though. It is important to me that my children see the choices I make, the struggles I endure, the pain I have felt. They saw me at my lowest and they see me now. I cannot stress how important it is that they know what happened to me. Hopefully they can use my past as a lesson in their own lives when they get older and have to make decisions of their own. One of the biggest lessons I hope to teach them is how to love. In the movie Moulin Rouge, they repeat a line over and over throughout that simply states "The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". I believe this with all my heart. Times have changed and we definitely don't treat each other the way I believe we were meant to. Men are still the same, essentially. Macho. Women, however, are on to us. Women realized the power they possess. Women are stronger today than they ever were. At least that's the stance they are taking. This is because they are sick and tired of being treated like objects. Back in the day, men came-a-courtin'. When a woman chose you, that was a big deal. Did you know that virginity was once a sacred thing? Can you believe that such a notion existed in a world where we have shows like "Teen Mom" and "16 & Pregnant". It's true though. In fact, a woman's virginity was once so sacred that if you were engaged to a woman and she gave you her virginity and then you left her, she could sue you for breach of promise to marry. That is a fact. The man had now "tainted" the woman and now she was considered unpure and that wasn't a desirable trait according to a potential future suitor. That law was abolished in 1935. So now how could a woman protect herself from a broken engagement and a lower "market value" now that men didn't have to worry about being sued for a substantial amount of money? Ah, yes...the introduction of the engagement ring. Pony up, fellas. My wife didn't demand any such thing from me. In fact, her first engagement ring was a fake. She picked it out herself. She now has a real one, not that gaudy, but a diamond ring nonetheless. The point I was trying to get to is that we should learn to love harder, forgive often, endure rainy days together, bask in the sunshine, appreciate the small things and don't give up. I worked in a restaurant that catered mostly to senior citizens and nothing is more romantic to me than an old couple who has been through hell together and made it. It is the sweetest thing. I hope for a change in culture where we all start trying more and stop giving up. Women may seem strong these days but they are incredibly fragile. They are a delicate creature that long to be loved. They can be hurt so easily but they shouldn't have to be. A woman's love is a gift and I cherish my wife. She is amazing in every way. A man will never "choose" his wife. His wife will "choose" him and for that, we should be more thankful.

Free Hugs!!!!!

Mirror, mirror..

"Today is day one of what will be the most difficult time of my life." Feb. 17 2012 That is the first line of my recovery journal that I started last year. Let me begin this post by letting you all know a little more about how I reached that point. By "that point", I mean the point where you finally look at yourself in the mirror, look at your surroundings full of gathered wreckage and decide you are finally fed up. It takes longer for some and others never reach it. So if you're there, you are very lucky. That means that there is something or someone that needs you and you have realized that. If not just for yourself, for others as well. It should be for you first though. Mine point was the day I woke up alone. I had entered a drunken rage and kicked my wife and children out of our house for no reason. They had done nothing wrong. That was my point. When they came home it was only to gather their belongings and furniture. I was certain that I had done it this time. I took a good look in the mirror. I didn't get sad. This time I got mad. Mad at myself for everything I had done, most of which I didn't remember. Mad at how I looked. Mad at how much I hadn't gotten done in all those years. Think about it. How much further would you be in life had it not been for addiction? Who might still be around? Have you lost friends or family to addiction? Is this cycle your predetermined fate? I began writing in a journal. If you already keep a journal then you know how vital of a tool it is. Write down your feelings, your accomplishments...count the days that you've been clean. I promise you that every day will be terribly difficult. You will most likely get sick. You will probably vomit. But what is leaving your body was never intended to be there in the first place. It's an exorcism of sorts. In my journal, I doodled a lot. I scribbled grafitti of how I felt. It was the best medicine for me to be able to vent to my journal.

Admit to yourself what you are. Admit to others who you are. My name is Micah, and I'm an alcoholic. Period. This is where it all begins. Stop blaming everyone else for your situation. This is something you created all by yourself. It may not be what you want to hear but it's the God's honest truth. You earned it all.by.yourself. If you're ready to go on this journey, and you ARE, then I will be here for you. Know that you are not alone. Next step: Join InTheRooms.com

Not just tomorrow, but ten years from now.

My life has taken a turn. In my last blog, "The Meaning", I spent a lot of time writing about how my addictions were getting the best of me and how my relationship was failing. It has been awhile since I've written in that blog however because I no longer subscribe to the same beliefs I did then. Let's just say that things have changed. I'm happy to announce that I am finally sober. The Micah that spent his free time drinking copious amounts of alcohol is no more. Nowadays, I am doing the things that I put off for so long. I am back in school. I am eating right and exercising. I am being productive as a father and a husband. I am happy. What had happened was, I hit my rock bottom. In fact, I hit my rock bottom a long time ago. Fortunately for me though I had a woman who didn't quit on me when she probably should have. The very essence of a woman. Strong, beautiful, smart. Yet she was bullheaded in a way. She must have known there was something underneath the rust that could be restored and I am thankful every single day that she was that driving force that allowed me to heal. I had been drinking since a fairly early age and it became a lifestyle. It blinds you and becomes somewhat of a superpower. When I was sober I was weak. I was afraid to face the day and what it had in store for me. When I drank, nothing mattered anymore. I was invincible. I thought I could break down walls when in fact...I was just putting them up. As some of you know, I am a bartender. That's pretty ironic, I know. That's the equivalent of the mouse guarding the cheese. I find it helpful though. I mean, someone has to look after the adults, right? I find myself being a therapist sometimes and just recently I had a gentleman sit at my bar and give me a heads up that it was going to be a rough night. He had met his wife at my bar and he intended to tell her he wanted a divorce at my bar (neither of which is a good idea). So, after a little while the wife gets up to go fix her makeup. The guy tells me she is such a "nag". She wants him to quit drinking etc., etc. It went something like this: Him: Can you believe she wants me to quit drinking? I mean c'mon, we met in a bar. Me: That's why you want a divorce? Him: Well, things have gone from bad to worse lately. Me: The drinking or the marriage? Him: Well... (This couple has a child by the way.) Me: So who were you then? When the two of you met? Him: I was me. Me: So then, who are you going to be tomorrow? Still you? Him: Hell yeah!!! Me: You remind me of me. But yesterday's me. I was in a similar spot as you and I had to think really hard about what I was to do. I had to decide not only who I was going to be tomorrow, but who I was going to be in ten years. How did I want to see myself and how did I want others to see me. How would my children feel about me in ten years? Sure tomorrow is easy. If I was going to only focus on tomorrow, I guarantee you I'd still be drinking. The key is to take it a step further. Him: I should have talked to you first. I'm in no way a counselor and I am no better than anybody else. I just see things differently now and if I can get one thing out of this blog, it will be to help just one person. I have been blessed to know people who have given me great advice and I am blessed to be surrounded by support. You will see all kinds of stuff on this blog; stories, drawings, pictures, videos....whatever I feel like posting really. There will be happiness and sadness and anger and joy. I will question you, give advice, even look to you for support as well as be that support for you. In my life I have realized that everything is soluble. How long can you take the rain is the question and how long until you seek shelter?